"I guess I just could never get married really far away from where I live, because then I would have to skype my dog in for the ceremony and I couldn't do that, because that is for sure a thing that only crazy people would do, but like, it is a serious consideration I am having re: decisions for the rest of my life."

"...so..., that's a sentence you just said."

selfies little helper

Some days everything sucks, and some days you find $2000 and two pearl necklaces while cleaning your room. 

Dear Tiny Small Precious Baby Jesus,

Please for the whole entire rest of my life and after-life (in case cause, what if, you know?) no one ever ever ever inserts "cumming" in place of "coming" (never not punning, you're welcome) in a written message. Just for all of my days forevermore. 

Thank you kindly,

cc.

Were the 90s a really breathy time? 

Warm bowl of crisp on my lap, mug of black coffee in my hand, tiny snoring dog laying across my feet, cheesy romcom on Netflix.

Wednesday night, you're perfect.

HI JUELZ HIHIHI

Taking my mermaid hair to Vancouver. Bye! 

could use you around

Normal days, the welcoming nature of routine. New friends, mostly old friends, crushes like tumbleweeds caught on a fence. 

Nostalgic and hopeful, ever unsure, Little Dirtbag stumbles forwards. 

a summer like no other.

ever blessed, never stressed.

The ways you come together before the ways you fall apart.

Creeper in Starbucks is really mussin' up my selfie game

Thanks to snapchat, I know what every dog in Toronto is doing at all times.

This is the most perfect article that has ever been on the internet, and number 19 is basically my dream hair.

Half-close the blind, just a little. Light the sweetgrass braid, throw open the window to get the breeze in, smell the summer. Put this on the record player and pass that roach back and forth.
Get your pants off and climb on top of your bed with whoever you're lovin and get your real slow kiss on.

Remark to yourself mentally that this is the kind of perfectly lazy hedonistic late-afternoon people forget how to enjoy.

Why is there no 7am Ham Hock& Split-Pea Soup delivery service? 

To catch moonbeams in a jar.

listening to fugazi, holding paws

Is it super pathetic to partially share a doughnut with your dog so that it feels less like you're home before midnight on a Friday night with nothing to do but eat said doughnut?

Go to an art show, eat some tacos, talk to some people, fawn from afar over some artists, grab a school bus home, and call it a night.

Dry July shower accompaniment.

Little Potbelly's Big Day Out.

Drinking coconut water, listening to reggaeton and realizing just how much I didn't appreciate until now the depth to which Thailand affected me.

It is terrifying to recognize just how far gone I really was.

what, even

Man, I still can't even watch Craig Ferguson! It's such a piss off, he just got his new studio and his big upgrades and was on such a good streak of interviews and I have sooooo many months to catch up on but I can't watch it cause you'll just be snuffing like Secretariat and talking about what pastries we're going to pick up from across the street and do I think we could get some juice too? Maybe grape? OOOooooh or flavoured San Pel? and then slipping on your moccasins.

Chu know?

It took me until last week to be able to watch the Tonight Show & Colbert Report. Holy hell.

.

Maybe I just am really, really boring.

.

hello, little nugget. did you want some of my breakfast?

sanity, time of death. 2.18am.

Today I tried to keep a tally of how many times I tell Juelz she is a perfect tiny baby angel and had to stop by 3pm because the scrap of paper I had been using was filled.

ah jeez

I'm having my first training shift on the bar tonight!! Come by and I will make you any cocktail in the whoooooole world so long as its name is also 100% of its ingredients!!

new voicemails

Laying on the rooftop (my life, in rooftops), we watched fireworks & comedy. Hoisting a tiny fort on top of my house, ciders & caesars in hand and snuggles abound. Not that it remains particularly possible to be around me sans cuddles.

Playing with Juelz in the park, and then watching Rushmore.

Everything easy, and maybe eventually I'll forget.

If I had a dollar for every thing I didn't care about, I would have seventy nine bajillion trillion dollars.

Re: meteorologists rate of accuracy.

"In what other job can you be wrong all the time and still considered a professional?"

"I don't know, psychics?"

Totally kidding you guys

Since watching As Good As It Gets, Juelz and I have been considering developing neuroses together. 

I am about to get stoned and go to Dollarama, which is to say, heaven. 

different days, different beaches

"A wheel of fortune of emotions".

I'm out of juice? There is no juice in my house? Is this a joke? Is this some kind of a prank my fridge is playing on me? Some funny ha-ha?

Is it weird to tell someone you're excited to sleep with them? I really don't know how to be single, but I feel like that's flattering and not weird? 

I don't know. It worked, so, whatever, I guess. 

In two months I'll be publishing a beginners guide to casual sex etiquette, probably.

Cottage living, napping on top of a fish, within reach of Palm Bay and my coffee.

Well, someone needs to think I'm funny.

here goes nothin'

Goodbye gluten, dairy, chronic. 

hello (in a month), former glory.

Maybe I'm just going to drink an entire pot of coffee while listening to Jay-Z and lounge around in my underwear for 6 hours before work, and we'll call that "working out and cleaning the house".


In the eternal words of Tom Petty...I need a big weekend.

Oh my gosh, if you have not listened to the new Jimmy Eat World album (and furthermore are not SO in love with it), you are a total mental crazy person and I can't even speak to you anymore.

I'm obsessed with snapchat, but only because it reminds me of MS Paint.

Tuesdays with Molly,

We lay on my roof and held hands, picking out shapes in the clouds. A baby girl T. rex in a skirt, a sinister lion or three.  When the cloud cover blew we found the constellations, still hand holding, and then to the park, for more laying.

Under the stars, under your arms.

"We need to travel out into the world---"

"...we have walked around the corner from my house."

I wish that there were a way to explain to Juelz that she smells like a herd of sopping wet bison and THAT is why she has to go in the tub - I fear she thinks I derive pleasure from torturing her with a bath.

OH GAHD ITS SO CUTE

http://ilovewildfox.com/iloveyouwildfox/2013/5/23/always-be-my-baby.html

http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/murad-osmann-follow-me-to

Those who can't do, teach. Those who can't wed, model wedding dresses. 

Conversations with the recently wounded.

We can add "earthquakes" to the list of things which I can sleep through.

I don't know, what even is there to miss about me?

Clearly replaceable, clearly replaced.

Two months ago, I lost my boyfriend and left my job.

With nothing to anchor me to the city, I left for Thailand within three days.

It was not a thing I ever thought I would do -- there was a) no plan, b) no agenda, c) it seemed ridiculous and d) there was no plan.

Ridiculous things are a daily occurrence in my life (generally of the endearing sort), but this was far-fetched. I came home and left the next day for Southern California. From there I flew to Vegas.

When I got home from Vegas, I cabbed directly to Kristal's house where my best girls were already well into their evening plans. We drank, we danced, I kissed a stranger, we ate cheese bagels. 12 hours after arriving home in Toronto, Kristal and I left for Chicago & Wisconsin on a little roadtrip.

With a now dwindling savings account, Juelz returned to home, and 42 million new friends whom I didn't even know existed just a few weeks ago, it is time to settle back into real life, and maybe in doing so realize the phenomenal amount of freedom which can be borne from loss.

All I've learned from being single is that 3am doughnut runs can be lonely sometimes.

Yesterday juuuust killed me. We went sailing all day long and the wine & sunstroke combo was too much. I spent today in bed, in shade, windows all open, watching one Woody Allen movie after another.

Holy heck! Are Juelz and I the most famous people on the Internet or what?!

"It's like 11pm on a Saturday...Wednesday..."

Badler, love of my life.

"The whole time you were gone, your neighbours cat was sitting on my lap. I swear! She was like 'you're lonely...your best friend left you, you have no boyfriend, your life is in shambles...'".

"My standards are so high I can't even masturbate anymore".

Your Monday Morning Good News!

How much does this rule?!

In Vegas, day who knows.

And here I was, thinking you would embarrass me with your choices.

And here you are, embarrassing the fuck out of me.

It's like the high road is just a funny joke to Winnipeg, like girls with fake nails and guys with fake teeth.

Yeah, that looks about right.

Man, you know how weird it is to run into someone you hung out with a lot a lot a lot for like a few months a handful of years ago?

Like, the dude you were dating's roommate or roommate's girlfriend. Or some other arrangement of those relationships. Or like, your super platonic bud that wound up single at the same time as you for a little while? Or the coworker of a good friend who needed a place to crash for like, three weeks but really five weeks but actually seven-and-a-half?

And then whatever frail but frequent bond you had disappears for whatever reason and you don't hang out and then you bump into them in Chinatown in the rain and it's like uhhhh....ahhhh....heyyyyyy...but then just before you're fully committed to the awkward inconvenient small-talk about what you've been up to these last couple years, you're just like 'lets get outta the rain and grab a drink' and then actually have the greatest time catching up and half-gossiping and sharing genuine opinions of past events and laughing outrageously.

PMA poster child these days.

Give a girl a weekend in the mountains with a spiritual guru, too many mushrooms and two yoga classes later, she's all "I'm a shaman, I am one with the earth."

"Umm...are we just sitting really close now?"

KRISTAL HATES SNUGS.

Lazily reading, lazily doing everything.

I'd like to use this time to formally apologize to my neighbours who have, right along with my roommates, been passively joined to my obsessive Gilmore Girls re-watching. These walls are paper thin and I can only imagine the cringes induced by the opening credits song.

We have only three episodes left.

Stay strong.

2013, phrase of the year.


Badler & Taco & CC forever.

Sitting on my balcony, in shorts and slippers. A large sweater wrapped and wrapped and wrapped around me, quilt across my legs. An old friend called blankets a hug without arms.

The sound of skateboards rises from the park, little chirps and wind rustling through naked branches.

This sunset too, as impressive as the exotic.

Quiet calm, the most reassuring of white noise.

'Blankets and matches, this pain in my chest. The best parts of lonely.'

Smoke haze from my fingers, hair piled on top of my head. A casual dizziness.

"My shirt has too many sleeves."

rrrriiiiiiiiipppppp

The world would be a better place if those little peanut butter packets were automatically sold with bananas.

"It's not so much that you were a difficult baby; it's more that for the first six years of your life you slept about ten hours."

I just really feel like I would've done well in the 70s.

I'm curious to know at what point Tyler remembers that this exists.

"See, us, right now, is why Workaholics is such a hit."

"I'm just planting the seed that you need to remember something but neither of us is quite sure what you forgot but it's a thing"

Yesterday I ate both of my favourite meals: a cheesebagel with double double from Tims, and an extra cheese pizza, lightly done.

Which is to say, that today I am starting my day with a run.

The Chelsea Clark special, eggs prepared in "a fashion".

I had to take a mid-party nap last night
hahahahahahahhaah hahahah


#grandmalife

The frequency with which I'm capable of getting lost is absolutely mind boggling.

All else aside, this is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

My potbelly and I are going to lay here and chain smoke all day long.